The GO bus was bringing me back home in the early first few hours of a Friday morning, city lights filling my line of vision with a noise matched only by the beautiful noise tearing through my mind about the night that just unfolded. It was that moment, with the motor rumbling behind me, as I watched the world go by from the back of the bus, that I decided: I’m giving up online dating.

Having just stopped dating someone short term, I thought it would be a great way to meet new people, because I created several obstacles in my mind which dictated that it could be no other way. I realized I wasn’t dating as though my life were of some sort of spiritual significance. I didn’t date because I felt significant and wanted to share in that with someone; I dated to try and feel important (hindsight is 20/20) and that distinction makes all the difference in the world. The one perspective lets everything flow while the other holds a tight grip on the world around it.

Wondering where the magic in my bones and my soul went, I turned within and brought a search party with me- hope, wonder and curiosity.

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Thinking back to one of the best dating experiences I’ve had, I asked myself what I did differently then; Who was I at that point in my life and what was I thinking about when I was dating?

I realized then, that the most important ingredient was my perspective. When dating before I didn’t care whether or not I was dating anyone- I was simply content enough in letting the Universe surprise and delight me. I was enjoying my own company; Whether someone was joining me in that or not was irrelevant to the joy I allowed myself to experience. It was that time in my life too, where I approached life as though it were conspiring in my favour to make things happen.

The question raced through my mind while on a walk by the water one afternoon…

How would I date if the Universe was on my side?

The answers to that question are the real gift online dating gave me and what I want to share with you because maybe, you’ll see yourself in the question or the answers. Maybe both.

You would be okay not knowing everything about them at first.
When we feel the strong pull that makes us want to know everything there is to know about someone, it’s worth asking ourselves whether we’re coming from a place of fear or excitement. Are we excited about the beautiful person before us, or are we searching for something about the other person which tells us that we need not fear that they’ll hurt us the ways others have? The difference is subtle but crucial to making sure that joy gets the invite to the party your heart is throwing.

You’d spend more time focusing on the present moment, than wondering what the other person is thinking about you or the date.
The consistent wondering and attempts at mind-reading to get to know how someone feels about you is exhausting and trust me, it never turns up the truth about how they actually feel. It turns up more about your insecurities that it ever could about what’s going through their mind. When you believe that it’s all working out for your benefit, you spend less time focused on the outcome and more time savouring the present moment.

You would focus on enjoying the experience more than enjoying the person you’re with at first.
The idea isn’t to interview someone over expensive dinners and drinks, when the Universe is on your side. The reality is that all you’re doing is learning more about people and delighting in another person to whom you’re attracted. This pivot point in relationships and dating is generally where we make concessions for our potential mates because we’re more concerned with having a date than actually being on it and in the throes of the present moment.

You dream big and visualize a great relationship because you believe it could actually happen.
The one thing big dreamers have, is a big faith to match. If the Universe were on your side always, what kind of partner could you dream up? What kind of relationship? Dare to dream it as big as you can, no matter how much it hurt in the past because whether we like it or not, this life is responding to us constantly and eventually, small dreams will bring about experiences to match. There was a period of time where I stopped dreaming big and I didn’t know what I wanted, because I was afraid of asking for too much; I didn’t want to feel let down and certainly didn’t trust the Universe.

I realized that these weren’t just true of dating, but almost every aspect of my life.

I wasn’t dating like I was a significant spiritual being and I certainly wasn’t acting like it in other areas, either. Did going out on a handful of dates with interesting people bring me lasting romance? No. One thing it did do, was give me a beautiful reminder of how much I need to leave up to the Universe, rather than trying to control the outcome.

The questions I asked of myself most and continue to ask, even now, though I’m not dating, are:

Am I leaving enough room for the Universe in the details?

How would I dream and be, if I knew the Universe were conspiring in my favour in this?

Whether you’re dating or just going about your days, I hope you get the chance to fill up the twenty four hours you’ve been given each day, with the wonderful answers they bring.

Love, Light and Miracles,

~Cheryl~

About the Author

Cheryl Costello is the founder of The Finding Hearts Project, also writes for the Brampton Focus and formerly wrote at The Loving Instant. She has also worked with Fortune 500 and Financial Post 500 companies to bring greater attention, awareness and action for LGBTQ+ issues, giving the community a powerful voice. She has conducted workshops for LGBTQ+ students on the power of reclaiming their power through owning the stories they tell and was also a Keynote speaker at a Toronto World Pride event in 2014. If she isn’t writing or organizing in the community, she’s out with her camera, wandering a bookstore or out hiking among trees and water. Have a question you want to see answered on the blog? Stop by her page on Instagram, join in the good vibes and send her a message: @cherylalisoncostello