There are a lot of assumptions when it comes to procreation and it can be complicated even when it is a stereotypically hetero-normative individual or couple. I was adopted because my mother couldn’t have a child, and I used a sperm donor so my female partner and I could have a child. These methods are getting more and more normalized, but what happens when a trans/butch lesbian wants to have a baby?

In the queer community just as in the heterosexual community, there are certain expectations and presumptions about how a person presents as queer, including gender and orientation. That follows that there are also expectations about who can be a legitimate mother, especially when main character Alex has to decide how to ask for assistance.  Can she pick up a guy at the bar even though she presents as trans/butch? Does she ask a queer friend, or just use a sperm bank?

Another layer to this is Alex’s intention as a mixed white/Mexican heritage to acknowledge her Mexican heritage regardless of the discrimination she has witnessed over the course of her life.

Co-Director Barb Taylor says,“It’s a universal story about how we see ourselves, how our bodies are politicized, how love helps us to dream, and how heritage can provide us with both a foundation and a yearning for a better world.”

This has been a project I have been eagerly waiting to see ever since I viewed the beautiful trailer brought to life by they amazing art of Co-Director Janet Romero Leiva. Their team  is majority LGBTQ+, women and BIPOC and with their Seed and Spark Campaign they hope to either raise 80% of their goal: to compensate their cast and crew and get into the studio to record dialogue; or they hope to raise 100% of their goal to fully pay everyone – director, producer, casting director included.

“We’ve currently completed a pilot and the script and storyboard for the web series. This Seed & Spark Campaign will help us deliver the next stage which is the actor’s dialogue record. Once that is achieved we’ll be able to move to animation which is the most intensive stage. When the web series is complete, we’ll make it available through online streaming on sites like Seed&Spark” says Taylor.

At a time like this when art and representation are more important than ever, as well as supporting the work of artists of all kinds, it is amazing to know that there is a way you can directly help them out. Currently they are nearly half-way to meeting their goal of $10,000 they hope to raise.

Go to their Seed & Spark Campaign to donate, and check out more about the project and its creators, as well as some nifty prizes and incentives they are offering! Together we can help increase the representation of a more diverse queer community in animation and procreation!

https://vimeo.com/395336778

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He is not likely to drop trousers wherever he likes, and mostly prefers to change alone. It is a milestone and I am trying not to think of the times he will turn 11, 12 and 13, but boy they will arrive! Hence the need to establish expectations around personal space. I used a long narrow table to create a desk right by the front window to put my laptop and books on.  My heart fills up when I sit at that space, because it’s only mine, and Ben has to make an effort to ask permission to use my supplies. When he goes online I have also recently been journaling in my room every day, at the beautiful secretary desk that belonged to my grandmother.

Ben is trying to reinforce his own boundaries as well. The special toys that he lends, and the times the toddler wants to go in his room. It is a great opportunity for me to liken his desire for private space to mine. Setting boundaries for myself really began with the fort. My bed is perched up high on a box spring, I call it my princess and the pea bed. The kids love to jump and roll in it, which I didn’t mind as much, however on the side of the bed closest to the wall it creates a nice little tunnel that Ben would roof with my pillows and blankets, and inhabit with a shit ton of his toys. They were everywhere, so one day I outlawed it. No tunnel, no toys, and no rolling in the bed.

The solution came to me a while ago, when I was reading The DaVinci Code by Dan Brown. In it, the Grandfather character establishes a rule with his granddaughter for privacy. They hang a rose above their door. Roses are a symbol for secrecy. Brown used the term “sub-rosa”, meaning under the rose, from ancient times. In the Middle Ages they hung roses from the ceilings at private meetings to convey that everyone under the roses were sworn to secrecy.

With all this in mind I asked Ben if he had to pick a symbol for privacy, what it would be? Being the Middle Age loving boy that he is, he said a shield, and that really resonated with me as well. Shields are a symbol of defense, protection, and concealment. They were decorated using lightening bolts or arrows to convey power, and then later family coat-of-arms were created to declare their honour and protection of their family. It’s always more enjoyable to collaborate with Ben than to try and work against him, so I said yes we could use shields as a symbol of privacy for our bedroom doors.  When I told him more about the “sub-rosa” he said, “Our coat-of-arms could be a rose crossed with a sword.” Genius Ben, pure genius!

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Of course, I am so grateful that I live in Canada with a liberal government at the helm, that includes social and economical services. Also that my family (even though stir crazy) is healthy, eating well, and we have a roof over our heads with a warm bed at night. I am grateful that the dedicated health care workers the world over are there to lead us out of the darkness of COVID-19, and also grateful for all the emergency response teams, and essential workers who are there to keep the world moving forward while the rest of us are at a standstill.

What I am talking about today is being grateful for the opportunity we are being given. The opportunity (once we figured out a workable daily structure) to decide what was most important, what was the most essential to our daily work. What was essential to me as a person, mom, healer and artist. Being these things, I answered this by asking myself the essential question of how do I serve? 

When I create I heal myself and offer others the opportunity to heal. When I teach I offer myself and others the chance to learn, and when I create something joyful it raises my mood and creates an opportunity for others to be uplifted as well.

This is why I have created a YouTube channel called Kelly’s Reading Corner, dedicated to the picture books I love that may bring joy and sometimes emotional support and guidance to kids in these challenging times. Picture books are perfect vehicles for family discussions, as well as a little free entertainment. As I love the heck out of them, own a ton of them, and am reading constantly, I figured what better way to serve more kids than my own?

Every Friday I will be uploading a new video featuring me reading a picture book and occasionally featuring The Ginger Gent and his skills with props and set design. I have three stories uploaded now, with the first being “The Book With No Pictures” by B.J. Novak. There is also “The Paper Bag Princess” by Robert Munsch, and a song as well as a story with “There Once Was a Puffin” by Florence Page Jaques. Please join us for a bit of fun.

I was inspired by the celebrity movement #savewithstories to read picture books and ask for donations for the American organization No Kid Hungry.

I am asking for donations for Canadian Feed The Children to get Canadian kids fed.

For the adults who want a little me time with a laugh, look up my podcast and download the Second Season of Fashioning Families which has just been released. For more info on my projects go to my website Brave.Creative.Me.

Take care of yourself and each other and hoping to see you on Kelly’s Reading Corner!

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However I should back up a bit, as it seems weird to begin at the end…pun intended. I have learned over the last 9 years (yes The Gent just turned 9) that going with the flow is the best way to navigate life with kids. However, it seems like a contraindication to the parental prescription that structure needs to happen in the same breath.

Of course with all that’s going on, our trip to Mexico was cancelled, so we planned for our social distancing stint. We would be spending lots of quality time together with air hugs for the rest of the world. Life has changed a lot. My friend works on-line from 9-to-5 hoping that the computer won’t alter her brain, and I have both The Gent and the toddler. E-gads! It has taken a few weeks to reach acceptance, but the true plan is now finally being put into action.

I had a brainstorming session with The Gent and had all these ideas to head panic off at the pass. However, inevitably I panicked. I couldn’t avoid it, and I guess with the universe putting a big pause button on the world avoiding anything, much less your emotions is not the point. So I panicked gloriously, had a few nights of evil dreams, cried a whole lot and woke up this morning with the KISS acronym on my lips (Keep It Simple Silly) or SMART (Sustainable Measurable Achievable Realistic Timely) goals. One of those goals was having two kids wash their hands, and even more challenging not touch their faces!

So I realized that was just too much pressure on someone who is parenting so much. I have to really plan ahead to shower and get my own work done, plus laundry, dishes and closet cleaning. I realized I needed a theme we could all work with per day. Today it was creativity. Ben was uber patient as I did yoga and wrote in the morning before the baby woke up. Then I felt so great after a little self-expression that I happily played the reinvented version of a D&D game he made up. I killed two goblins and a Chimera with a flaming water gun! That is almost as good as the time I was a Dwarf named Beer Bottom and killed a wizard by having Ben’s attack squirrel run up his pant leg and bite the wizard where it counts. I’m creative, what can I say.

So when recess time came and the boys were starting to pick on each other I marched them down the street and said why not. We need to go somewhere new every day in the neighbourhood (at an appropriate social distance from our neighbours) so no one gets bored or frustrated.

Funny enough going to the graveyard was actually the best decision I made all day. It was so peaceful and quiet in there even though, and I should not have been surprised, it was littered with other kids on scooters and in strollers as well as dogs and their owners. We read gravestones and street signs and had a bit of a conversation about death. There were also so many beautiful trees, and I would like to go back in there with my tree book so we can do some identification.

We also found all of the graves belonging to the military persons. I told Ben these were the markers of the men and women who gave their lives for the way of life we now enjoy. It seems somehow appropriately ironic that Canadians are now trying to fight to protect the generation of people who actually remember and lived through some of those wars.

So as the end of the day has come and I am dog-tired, I realize I need much more sleep than I am letting myself have. So parents, be nice to yourself as there is an enormous amount of pressure to get through this unscathed. You are not alone, and together we will parent our way through this pandemic, and with luck show our kids how to be grateful for every passing day. And wash their hands…for 20 seconds!

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It was a bit chaotic doubling up but we made it! We have successfully gone from a one-child to a two-child household. I was a bit frazzled at the beginning of September with Ben at the new school and Junior starting daycare. We sure as heck had to plan to get everyone to and from their daily activities. However, sometimes a plan is not enough. Sometimes you need an entire redesign of your household structure.

Now that home time for Ben is so much earlier I have more flexibility to prepare dinner and get it on the table, as Auntie Erin comes home with Junior much later. Erin and I plan the menu on Sunday and split up the grocery list and I do most of the weeknight meals, which is actually one of my favourite things, followed by what has become everyone’s favourite thing; dinner time.

Let us just say we are not a totally well-oiled machine. Yet, when we sit down for supper I look at all of them and I feel home. Junior may be throwing his dinner on the floor with his face covered with yogurt, Ben is either stuffing his face with tacos or whining into his plate, and I am the puzzle piece sitting right beside my steadfast friend and housemate whom my son has come to see as a parent.

It is beside my son who is my heart and my joy, and it is beside this new little wonderful creature who calls me Auntie Ka-Ka and wraps his little arms around my neck and makes me feel like I am his world. Things are going along tick-ity-boo so we knew it was time for another installment of Fashioning Families!

Join us and share this amazing, challenging, hilarious, unique journey of our chosen family. For a little tease of Season Two, narrated by a very special Ginger Gentleman, play the clip below and tune in to Fashioning Families on February 14th, 2020 for the launch of Season Two. If you want more updated escapades of our family, visit our blog which is chock-full of tales – good, bad and hilarious.

You can also find us at fashioningfamilies.com and on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook.

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For our traditional tree lot of choice we go to the East Minister Church on The Danforth. Frequenting this area in life, Ben and I have seen many of the same homeless residents year after year, and it had led to a lot of serious conversations about homelessness, losing your job, going hungry and coping with addiction. We always try to give change when we can, and if not sending up a little prayer that they find the things and the people they need to help them. This dialogue has been very necessary as my little Gent has been battling heartache about the homeless for years because no, it is not fair, and no it doesn’t make sense to a child that has no idea how cruel and complicated the world can be, but he is certainly beginning to. So this holiday season let’s make it simple.

 Ben hugging a tree that is an example of way too big for mom to lift so don’t get your hopes up!

The reason we always go to East Minister Church is is that it runs an Out of The Cold Foundation where 20% of profits after costs goes to participating groups running winter programs. And that got us thinking. We have talked about donating to a toy drive, food drive and clothing drive, but in this case it helps folks directly. Founded in 1988 as a an “extensive emergency response and homeless prevention program,” it works with participating agencies, churches, synagogues and other groups that provide a safe space for the homeless.

And let’s be honest, as the days get colder and darker, I think about the homeless people around me every time I walk down the street. Knowing that there are programs like this one makes me feel like I have some way to help support existing programs. You can also donate online.

There are three locations that you can visit to buy a tree that supports Out of the Cold, so this Christmas give the gift of compassion. For a full list of organizations that run programs, visit the Out of the Cold location page.

Next Christmas, why not buy a tree from one of the following locations:

• East Minister Church on The Danforth 310 Danforth Avenue (W. of Chester)
• St.Peter’s Church at Bathurst and Bloor, in the back at 659 Markham St.
• No Frills at 243 Alberta, just north of St. Clair.

So from The Gent and I to you have a loving and joyful time with friends and family this holiday season!

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When I was afraid of something, my late wife (the cadet she was) said don’t just be scared, do something to prepare for the what ifs. Similarly my house mate’s approach when fear comes up is that fear never goes away if you avoid it. It’s true, if fear is left unchallenged it becomes the elephant in the room and grows just as big. Whether my parental fear is about the splinter that it took us an hour to extract from Ben’s finger, the monsters under his bed (monster spray with lavender works), getting lost on the subway, or being in a dangerous situation, I have to approach all of those issues with him in the same way – head on.

I have been considering the kind of things we can do to be responsible for the safety of our children, especially when we are not around. We have to surrender our children to the care of others – day care providers, teachers, babysitters and neighbours – and that requires faith. So what can we do to make sure we address stranger-danger and emergency situations? It’s necessary as we all know they are out there, and as a parent it makes me sick to think of kids who fall victim to violence and sexual abuse, but let’s be honest, it happens. So what can we do that will make a difference? Well, just like a picture book formula repetition is the key…

Things To Help Your Kids in Risky Situations

Define Speak Secrets and Keep Secrets – if your child is planning on sneaking brownies  behind your back chances are they will want to keep that secret. However if something or someone makes your child uncomfortable and tells them its a secret they must understand that that is a speak secret, one that will be met with acceptance and support.

Know Your Body – It’s no time to skip the details, kids need to know about their body and consent. They need to know the proper names of their genitals so they can communicate accurately. And they need to know their body is private and no one should get to touch them without their permission. However, if someone does that there is no shame and blame on their part.

Crack Open the Books – There are lots of great resources out there. For technical stuff try My Body is Private by Linda Walvoord Girard and Rodney Pate, or for a one about consent and secrets, Sam Speaks Out by Linda Sky Grossman and Petra Bockus.

Safety in Numbers – Always have your child travel in groups of two or larger, ask them to check in at houses they are traveling to, and take the same routes.

Whats The Password – Make one up and practice using it a-la-spy! Also practice with another adult to see what your kids have retained!

Don’t Be Tricked – Impress upon them that adults don’t ask for help and bad people don’t look bad so they can run away if approached, and trust their guts to find help.

Get Permission– Don’t let them go anywhere without it! Also accompany kids to places like public washrooms and never leave them alone.

Get the Specs– Keep up to date info on your kids height, weight, blood type and other defining characteristics like scars and birthmarks. Always keep a current photo, update information every six months, and get finger print kits!

In the end, don’t forget to make some aspect of this continual dialogue fun. They are kids after all and really do learn best when they enjoy the process!

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With the Gent, I have really tried to encourage the expression of feelings, the acknowledgement of gratitude, and the importance of communication and physical affection. When I heard that the Before You Go opinion piece in Maclean’s Magazine was started by inspiration gleaned from Downie, I thought yes, it is so important to make your feelings known to those you love. I also thought what a beautiful way it was to pay tribute to a great person, and create a collection of letters of gratitude and love.

In the article Before you go: why don’t we publicly express love Evan Solomon tells us about its genesis:

“My editor at Maclean’s said I should write some “this is why I love you” letters to the people in my life. “Call the series, ‘Before you go…’ ” she said, which is basically the whole point. It’s time to reverse-engineer a world that socializes pain and privatizes love. That doesn’t just mean writing open letters or doing something public—though arguably the world could use a lot more that—but at least taking the time to say thanks, to say I love you, in a more detailed way, to the people we love. You know, before they go…”.

In a nutshell, that is why I wrote a letter to my son. I had written a letter to my wife, but the stipulation was that it had to be to someone who was not deceased. There were certainly lots of things I wish I would have had time to tell Kara before she died, but as death happened by surprise I did not get the chance. However this was something I could do, so I did and I sent it in. And you know what? They loved my letter and it was published in print on newsstands Thursday October 3rd 2019. I hope you enjoy the letter which will also be posted here on the Maclean’s website.

Read all the lovey letters full of heart and healing and maybe write one of your own. Also, please tell the people you love in your life what they mean to you, as you may have a long time with them, or perhaps only a short while. Either way, when you tell someone your feelings, the love flows in both directions.

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However, as I have moved on from the IAC, Taste of The Danforth has been all fun and games for this queer mama and her Ginger sidekick. We love going to the CNE every summer, but having a meat festival with carnival games and a Ferris wheel in our neighbourhood is hard to beat! On Saturday we took along Junior, Erin’s one-year-old son, so I bought tickets and Ben road the wheel alone. He admitted it was scary to do by himself, but very bravely he did it. At the end of the day we had six leftover tickets so I made a deal with him. The next day he and I could return just so we could take our annual ride together.

By how excited I was you would never think I had a problem with heights. It’s like my psyche has deemed this activity an acceptable risk. The line was just as long as it was the first time, and we found patience knowing it was worth the wait. In the gathering dusk the multi-coloured bulbs were flashing, the streets below were streaming with a beautiful mosaic of people, and the sun was setting behind the buildings for another night. I regaled Ben with the annual story of how Kara and I went to Niagara Falls and she did not tell me about her fear of heights when I wanted to…you guessed it, ride the Ferris wheel. Ben and I put out our arms and let the air tickle us as we went over the top and swooshing towards the ground. It felt like flying once I forgot I was attached to something. I was texting my mother and sending her pictures of the view and a selfie of us.

She responded saying, “You are SUCH a good mother!” I don’t think she understood it was no imposition on my part. I reminded her that she was a good Grammy when she took Ben while I was working. I don’t know how she did it but she made it sound like she rolled out of the bucket and kissed the ground when it was over.

“Remember, I liked the swan boats (at Canada’s Wonderland)…dad did the Ferris wheel” she said.

That’s right, I thought, he did. I can’t even remember if I was aware that he had his own problem with heights when he took me on The Wildebeest. I myself declined a second ride on the Mount Everest roller coaster at Disneyland, but Ben and I were both white as a sheet so I didn’t feel too bad. In any case my dad was a good father. So as Ben and I looked all the way down the Danforth, I silently thanked all the people in my life who sucked it up and took a spin, or plunge, or both with me. I hope I will continue to be that mom who has just as much fun as her kids, however I wonder if I will ever be obliged to suck it up and do something terrifying for my kid. I really hope it’s not skydiving.

Donate to #DanforthStrong to continue helping our community support each other.

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I was astounded by the simple brilliance of this lesson in compassion and taking responsibility for your actions. I was sure that this was the right teacher for Ben and boy was I right. After a very difficult year he has found a teacher that gets him, that spends one on one time with him and as a result helped him catch up to his peers in many areas. Thank God for good teachers, I will say it again thank God for good teachers. In this crazy time with Ford trying to muck up everything he touches I can only hope that Ben will, despite the barriers that educators face at this time he will find another teacher that will find a way to make a difference in his life.

While I was at the library I was reminded about this invaluable lessons when I saw this book. “How Full is Your Bucket (For Kids)” by Tom Rath and Mary Reckmeyer, based on a book of the same title by Tom Rath and Donald O. Clifton. I have not read the original but ever since becoming a parent I have found there is such practical value in very simple analogies. So I think whatever age you are this picture book has immense value.  In this book the character Felix empties a little bit of his sisters bucket and then experiences firsthand what it’s like to have someone empty his.  This was the resulting experience.

And there you have it.  This is the cycle of negativity, it itself has repercussions.  It doesn’t matter who you are, or how old you are or how much authority you have. The price of compassion as well as  cruelty applies to everyone. It cuts or rather splashes both ways in this case.  My question to reflect on this, is why? Why does it apply across the board?

Simply put because we are all the same, we all have the same emotions, the same fears and insecurities the same hopes and dreams. We cannot to get away from the indisputable fact and natural law that was gleaned from Einstein’s prodgious brain, every action has a reaction.  And so if you want to have a discussion about empathy I would say this is probably about the perfect picture book for any child. I want to teach my child to be compassionate, mindful and caring. To quote a genius of another sort I will leave you the words of Robin Williams.

“Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.”

You are responsible for the way you make other people feel, whether that is good or bad. Make the best choice for both of you and fill someone’s bucket today.  Because losing your marbles sucks!

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