If this is not a wake-up call to every Political Party in Canada, I do not know what is. Even the last federal election had a similar turn out of eligible voters.

Right now, we have the Ontario NDP and Ontario Liberals sitting in their offices licking their wounds, saying, “What did we do so wrong? Boo Hoo, poor me. I know what to do, we will send out a survey to all our members who support us and ask them what we did wrong because they will tell us the truth and not just tell us what we want to hear.” Yes, that is right. You guessed it, that is the answer by them, send out a survey to their members. Not try to reach out to people that did not support them to ask why they did not support them. Or God forbid, reach out to the thousands of union members who supported Doug Ford, and ask them why?

Federal Parties did the same thing too.

We are living with COVID, we have seen that our systems are not people focused, they are big corporate focused. We learned people need full time living wage jobs, not three part time minimum wage jobs, yet here we are with companies screaming there is a labour shortage, when in fact it’s a living wage job shortage.

Let us talk about the Leaders Debate that Prides across Ontario tried to put together. Ontario Prides, which included Toronto, North Bay, Hamilton, Sudbury, etc. They all came together and said to the leaders of all the Political Parties, we want to hold a Leader’s debate. This is not the first time a request has come from Prides either, North Bay Pride has been asking both the federal and provincial leaders since 2018. QueerVote took the lead and let me tell you, it’s a great organization that will make some major changes one day in the political systems.

Anyway, other then Green Party’s Mike Schrenier, the leaders and their parties basically ignored us. Maybe that is why the Ontario Greens had one of the biggest increases in votes this year even though we had the lowest voter turnout in history of Ontario. And they came very close to winning their second seat in Muskoka. Mike seemed to know; they needed to be there.

After a lot of pressure, the parties decided they would send a representative to the debate which was streamed live from Toronto. Which you can see here.

But again, although the 2SLGBTQ+ were part of the discussion, the discussion was suppose to include all equity seeking voices and communities and the reps lost that point some where.

All I know is that Prides tried to change the discussion in politics, and so many of you missed it. Prides took a political stance, like they are supposed to, because that is the grassroots of Pride and you missed it. Political parties did hear the call for change, and you missed that too.

Political Parties, well most of them are usually good at getting candidates that come from communities like ours, but they just seemed to not want to hear from us this time.

To make matters worse, media outlets like BellMedia, CBC and Corus Entertainment, would not work with the Ontario Prides to help them or cover the political debates. They are great at trying to get community representation in their shows that are comedy, drama etc. But it seems when marginalized voices need to be heard, you get ignored or told to just sit down and be quiet because you had your month.

We wrote a report on the experience of Pride and Politics, but not one media outlet, not one political party, not one leader has reached out to us to say “Hey, let’s talk because you have raised some very important issues.” It really makes us question what political leaders are truly about if they are not listening to communities.

The Federal Government created the Federal Debate Commission which was supposed to support getting voter engagement back into politics. But their report says the same old thing about the same old political system and debates and keeps pushing the same format of debates, so what was the point of them? I looked at the committee and advisors, and its funny to see a bunch of wealthy people sitting on a committee getting paid trying to say they know what marginalized communities want as they have never been part of the community they are talking about. Big media treats Federal Debate Commission like they are the be all end all in politics. We sent Federal Debate Commissioner a copy of the report too, but they have ignored us too.

Do not get me wrong, there was some great coverage by rural local papers and independent media, but the major ones had no time of day for any of us, which is disturbing, because they all received Federal Funding at some point especially during COVID.

Having said all this. We have no choice but to vote because we need people in politics that listen to us, the communities, the people. Because once we get the right person in office, the system can be changed, and the change will be good for us all.

I am not writing this article / blog just to bitch about politics, I want politics to change and want leaders to hear the call for change, because so far, they cannot hear anything except from the people around them that block you from being heard. That is why I wrote this, but again, I am guessing this will be ignored, and by many of you too. Because you are part of the problem too. Stop playing your role in this problem and be the solution, because if you do not step up, it will only get worse from here and we all deserve better.

The post If you did not vote, you are part of the problem appeared first on PinkPlayMags.

However I should back up a bit, as it seems weird to begin at the end…pun intended. I have learned over the last 9 years (yes The Gent just turned 9) that going with the flow is the best way to navigate life with kids. However, it seems like a contraindication to the parental prescription that structure needs to happen in the same breath.

Of course with all that’s going on, our trip to Mexico was cancelled, so we planned for our social distancing stint. We would be spending lots of quality time together with air hugs for the rest of the world. Life has changed a lot. My friend works on-line from 9-to-5 hoping that the computer won’t alter her brain, and I have both The Gent and the toddler. E-gads! It has taken a few weeks to reach acceptance, but the true plan is now finally being put into action.

I had a brainstorming session with The Gent and had all these ideas to head panic off at the pass. However, inevitably I panicked. I couldn’t avoid it, and I guess with the universe putting a big pause button on the world avoiding anything, much less your emotions is not the point. So I panicked gloriously, had a few nights of evil dreams, cried a whole lot and woke up this morning with the KISS acronym on my lips (Keep It Simple Silly) or SMART (Sustainable Measurable Achievable Realistic Timely) goals. One of those goals was having two kids wash their hands, and even more challenging not touch their faces!

So I realized that was just too much pressure on someone who is parenting so much. I have to really plan ahead to shower and get my own work done, plus laundry, dishes and closet cleaning. I realized I needed a theme we could all work with per day. Today it was creativity. Ben was uber patient as I did yoga and wrote in the morning before the baby woke up. Then I felt so great after a little self-expression that I happily played the reinvented version of a D&D game he made up. I killed two goblins and a Chimera with a flaming water gun! That is almost as good as the time I was a Dwarf named Beer Bottom and killed a wizard by having Ben’s attack squirrel run up his pant leg and bite the wizard where it counts. I’m creative, what can I say.

So when recess time came and the boys were starting to pick on each other I marched them down the street and said why not. We need to go somewhere new every day in the neighbourhood (at an appropriate social distance from our neighbours) so no one gets bored or frustrated.

Funny enough going to the graveyard was actually the best decision I made all day. It was so peaceful and quiet in there even though, and I should not have been surprised, it was littered with other kids on scooters and in strollers as well as dogs and their owners. We read gravestones and street signs and had a bit of a conversation about death. There were also so many beautiful trees, and I would like to go back in there with my tree book so we can do some identification.

We also found all of the graves belonging to the military persons. I told Ben these were the markers of the men and women who gave their lives for the way of life we now enjoy. It seems somehow appropriately ironic that Canadians are now trying to fight to protect the generation of people who actually remember and lived through some of those wars.

So as the end of the day has come and I am dog-tired, I realize I need much more sleep than I am letting myself have. So parents, be nice to yourself as there is an enormous amount of pressure to get through this unscathed. You are not alone, and together we will parent our way through this pandemic, and with luck show our kids how to be grateful for every passing day. And wash their hands…for 20 seconds!

The post Parenting the Pandemic appeared first on PinkPlayMags.

With the Gent, I have really tried to encourage the expression of feelings, the acknowledgement of gratitude, and the importance of communication and physical affection. When I heard that the Before You Go opinion piece in Maclean’s Magazine was started by inspiration gleaned from Downie, I thought yes, it is so important to make your feelings known to those you love. I also thought what a beautiful way it was to pay tribute to a great person, and create a collection of letters of gratitude and love.

In the article Before you go: why don’t we publicly express love Evan Solomon tells us about its genesis:

“My editor at Maclean’s said I should write some “this is why I love you” letters to the people in my life. “Call the series, ‘Before you go…’ ” she said, which is basically the whole point. It’s time to reverse-engineer a world that socializes pain and privatizes love. That doesn’t just mean writing open letters or doing something public—though arguably the world could use a lot more that—but at least taking the time to say thanks, to say I love you, in a more detailed way, to the people we love. You know, before they go…”.

In a nutshell, that is why I wrote a letter to my son. I had written a letter to my wife, but the stipulation was that it had to be to someone who was not deceased. There were certainly lots of things I wish I would have had time to tell Kara before she died, but as death happened by surprise I did not get the chance. However this was something I could do, so I did and I sent it in. And you know what? They loved my letter and it was published in print on newsstands Thursday October 3rd 2019. I hope you enjoy the letter which will also be posted here on the Maclean’s website.

Read all the lovey letters full of heart and healing and maybe write one of your own. Also, please tell the people you love in your life what they mean to you, as you may have a long time with them, or perhaps only a short while. Either way, when you tell someone your feelings, the love flows in both directions.

The post Kissing Like Gord Downie appeared first on PinkPlayMags.

Last September we were able to sell our rapidly decaying house and purchase a triplex with a close friend. As co-owners we tackled the headaches and joys of house ownership, and something else. All summer there was a little something cooking up in the oven, and I certainly don’t mean my oven. My friend decided that she wanted to become a mother via artificial insemination. After a long labour we have – if you can believe it- a new LITTLE GINGER man in the house and one very proud first time mama!

This means that the now bigger than his smaller counterpart Ginger Gent has a pseudo-sibling which I figured was the perfect way to make that happen. He knew his auntie became pregnant from artificial insemination, he could obviously understand that, heck he explained how babies are made with magical ingredients to the rest of his daycare. However, reality hit home when the new very real three-dimensional little human arrived in our house. I can’t fault him for being lukewarm to the idea, as I myself had a way worse reaction when my sister arrived. Given she and I were both adopted and I didn’t really get what was happening until she actually arrived, I made quite a scene. At least The Gent didn’t dump the baby out of the bassinet and declare himself the one and only baby in the household!

He knew something was coming and my friend and I witnessed a little jealousy and separation anxiety. We talked about a new baby and I told him that everything he was feeling was normal. We focused on the positive aspects of him being the big boy and being trusted with more responsibility. That only got us so far. When the baby arrived he kind of watched it uncertainly from across the room, but did not approach. I don’t know what he expected to come home in the car seat, but it wasn’t the Nintendo he wanted.

What I did not anticipate was Ginger Juniors reaction to him. Once he could focus more on faces he was fixated on The Gent, watching him with wide eyes of fascination, lending credence to our claim that Ben would be revered by this little new person. The Gent has experienced this with his younger cousin, but now with this baby staring up at him he came to understand it in a whole new way.

Now as Ginger Junior and he spend time together he is getting adept at popping the soother back in and singing little made up songs for him when he starts to fuss. These are tiny but immense victories for a seven year old boy who figured he would be alone in life when it came to brothers or sisters. Now he has his own little person, and even though the diversion of attention from him can make him cranky, he also cannot help loving the new addition to our family.

The post The Ginger Gent is Seeing Double! appeared first on PinkPlayMags.

The publishing industry is at best challenging for LGBTQ2+ people to navigate, given the demand for stories that a heteronormative and cisnormative industry deems best suited for readers based on demand, regardless of the narratives missing and needed by the community.

There’s a certain expectation that people bring to stories about members of the Queer community, specifically Trans and gender diverse folks. Most of the interest comes from the implied currency exchange for access to stories of bodily changes and transition, or the deconstruction of the diverse gender identites we worked so hard to build for ourselves. This is at times coupled with the need some cisgender folks have, to make us justify our gender identity and expression. There are more than a few of these stories available, but the seemingly insatiable desire to use Trans narratives as an entry point into details about transitioning, anatomical parts and answering inappropriate questions feels unending.

It isn’t so much what it is, but what is isn’t, that makes Trans Like Me such a powerful read. Indeed, by the title alone, “Conversations For All Of Us,” may seem as though it graces the stage for the benefit of cisgender readers, mostly. While reading it though, I felt seen, where a writer’s vocabulary provides an antidote to the gaze that demands an explanation for why you aren’t the kind of Trans person they’re used and need you to be, so they don’t have to do as much work to truly understand what gender identity means. The book remedies the ache that I felt while spending a lifetime so far, trying to figure out how to make cis- work for me, when it was never meant to. I read it and remembered that non-binary is a “thing” and I’m just as valid doing that in my own way, than seeking validation through the perfection of how others expect me to perform my identity.

This is CN Lester’s power in a book that may not be the longest book you’ve ever read on the topic, but one that is potent enough to ensure that its contents make the most of every single page. Each chapter focuses on an aspect of what Trans people experience and even where its contents are a familiar song, the author manages to find new ways to sing it.

It was also refreshing to read a Trans perspective about the popularity of firsts in the community, of which the author wrote, “It’s not about not caring about our milestones, but it is caring about the way in which the need for these firsts overrides the accurate recording of our history.”

Trans Like Me also speaks to the many ways the LGB communities, whether intentional or not, forget that there is a “T”, addressing the impact of this erasure and ignorance. We’ve all seen it in some form or another, where LGB people will be represented and called “LGBTQ+” and heteronormative tables congratulate themselves on their inclusion, assuming that they just know what the experience would be like for someone who is Trans. The author reminds readers that they don’t and this absence from conversations in the community to which Trans people belong hurts on a personal level, and it hurts the movement towards LGBTQ2+ equity, too.

Lester’s personal experiences punctuate the book with the precision of a writer who understands the power of a well-delivered memory or anecdote keeping the beat to the rhythm their words are creating. More than informative and comforting, it was well written. The book’s content isn’t all-encompassing but this is also its beauty. It talks about the author, CN Lester’s life experiences in a context removed from what society has often used to measure the value of Queer and Trans stories in publishing.

It was also satisfying to read about Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institut für Sexualwissenschaft whose books, research and evidence were destroyed in Nazi Germany, erasing the beginnings of LGBTQ2+ acceptance and rights. These accurately recounted pieces of history are often missing from the cisnormative narratives that many publishing companies look for because of their popularity and yet they remain the very things the community needs to better understand itself. By virtue of this chapter and many other parts of the book, it was refreshing to know that as a non-binary person, the “conversations for all of us” portion of the title was heavily weighted primarily towards the Trans and gender diverse community.

If you’re looking for a book to learn the details and common narrative of cisgender exploration into the Trans survival story, you will need to look elsewhere. If however, you’re seeking a book that flows like catching up with a friend over tea, seamlessly moving from the personal to the big picture, this is indeed, a conversation for you. Also, if you’re beginning to understand what the specifics of “certainly not cisgender but I’m not sure what this means for me,” this is necessary reading to get an understanding of the nuances of the community the awareness of your gender identity locates you within.

The world loves to elevate the voices of Trans people who look and sound like the Trans subject the media has acclimated them to, but as with other remedies to this problem, Trans Like Me provides an additional narrative to this way of thinking.

This powerful recognition of the multidimensionality of Trans expeirences can be best summed up by CN Lester’s words, “We talk of an LGBT umbrella, but not of those LGBT people who cannot seek shelter beneath it because we have narrowed our protections down to the point that only the few are covered. We have been taught to weigh up lives and accord them value, and we turn that tactic on each other. When we feel anger, we direct it toward the most vulnerable members of our communities for their failure to be ‘respectable’ enough to toe the party line, to make themselves acceptable to those who hate us.” 

Trans Like Me exceeded any expectation I had for such a small volume, but it proves over and over again that its words are indeed part of a conversation for all of us.

Trans Like Me by CN Lester will be released on June 19th, 2018 but is currently available for pre-order.

The post Book Review: “Trans Like Me”, by CN Lester appeared first on PinkPlayMags.

So why am I bringing this up in a queer parenting blog? Well, I have been thinking A LOT about the #MeToo movement. I remember the day when I went online and saw that phrase blossoming like a horrifying hedgerow all over social media. When I realized it was about victims of sexual violence speaking out I said in my head, yes this needs to happen. It was everywhere, the black-and-white representation of how prevalent this is in our society, and by extension how children are raised to accept.

About a year ago I saw a haunting performance piece by Steve Connell on Facebook entitled We Are the Lions. It was about a village waking up to see women had been killed by what they assumed were lions. It wasn’t until enough guards stayed awake at night to witness men of this village turning into lions, and not as some outside aggressor. What impressed me about it was that he started this slam poetry talking about the way many men speak about women in an offensive and hyper masculine way – until he got to the part in the story where he discovered that, “we are the lions.” He spoke about the small ways he feels he may contribute to the discrimination of women, and acknowledges the fact that if he is not supporting equal rights actively he is letting the cycle continue, letting friends daughters be a risk for sexual violence, and their sons be at risk to become aggressors.

I have already made it a priority to speak about racism and white privilege (with The Gent), but I feel this is just as important. It will be an age-appropriate conversation, but because I have had such an intense emotional association to this topic I’m still trying to figure out exactly how. All I know for certain is that I do not want my son to be one of those men who wakes up years into their adult life, and has to say sorry for the times that they have knowingly or unknowingly contributed to a rape culture, by not speaking out against discrimination and sexual violence.

However #MeToo is about me too. This phrase does not just denote sexual violation, it is any act of discrimination that has made someone else feel vulnerable, unprotected, minimised or trapped because of their sex.

On the day I discovered #MeToo, because I have not been sexually assaulted, I did not write #MeToo. I know many people who have, but it was not my story to tell. However just as many people who present as female, that does not mean I have not felt all the things that come along with sexual discrimination.

As rape is not about sex it’s about power, so discrimination is about disempowerment. I have not known what to say when a older male boss blatantly stared at my breasts and not my face when speaking directly to me. I have been in a situation where I knew my boundaries were blatantly being crossed, but I felt I had no recourse. I have even been in a risky situation with a partner where I did not see any way to avoid a violent act if he had wanted to perpetrate one, and the fear was staggering.

So, for all those in my life who I know have been victimised, for all of the times I have been a victim, and for all the times I will have to explain to my son the way that made me feel I say, #Metoo.

The post A Few Good Men #MeToo appeared first on PinkPlayMags.

PPM: There are so many ways that we can misplace our understanding of what being oppressed means and where intersections fall for people. How do you find this operating in the poly community because these relationships aren’t as popular in the mainstream, compared to monogamy.

Eva Dusome: We all have to understand that because we all come from somewhere and our power and privilege is often invisible to us. It’s very hard to be quiet about it and listen to why it was problematic. Many people want to get defensive about it and are upset about it. Even people in our poly communities will say we’re oppressed but we’re not. We’re not oppressed people because of polyamory. There’s certainly a misunderstanding with others and there’s certainly a component of our community that’s been targeted, lost jobs and families. They are often the ones that have the least privilege. It is not often the white rich polyamorus you see on prime time TV- those aren’t the ones getting attacked. Those are the ones who are working 2-3 jobs and can’t get out to meetup events we host because they don’t have access to it.

PPM: There’s that sense of community they’re missing and monogamous folks just inherit it. I wish more folks understood the way that operates even in terms of whiteness. People don’t understand that you just inherit these privileges and it’s privilege because you don’t have to think about whether or not you have it. Also that it’s okay to sit with discomfort when you’re called out on that too.

ED: People get defensive right away and say things like, “I’m not racist!” while forgetting about the micro-aggressions that occur, and we’re not talking about a long period of time ago. We are talking about how in our time frame and generations some of our family were discriminated against and you can’t look at some families success or lack thereof, you can’t help but go back to the 1920’s and 30’s. That sense of community is why we’ve grown the poly community to what it is now and people really enjoy events. For some people our meetups are the only safe space they can be polyamorus and go to an event with 2 or 3 of their partners.

PPM: Something I wanted to ask about, was something I wrote earlier that introduced some of these concepts while putting the disclaimer that I was monogamous, which I’m understanding can be really problematic. I want to include this in the article that we’re addressing the way it was worded because some folks might be very offended.

ED: What I can see it leading to is a little bit of internalized shame as if you’re saying, “Because I’m talking about polyamorus or open relationships, I don’t want my audience to think that I do that. It’s a little bit of optics, in that, how are people going to view me after I talk about this. It’s also a little bit of, “Let’s ground ourselves in some confidence that we can talk about different things and that doesn’t mean we’re all living them, outing ourselves in the process.” Just because you talk about it doesn’t mean you have to live it, which is just you using a platform to elevate it. Instead of saying, “I chose a monogamous way,” you could say, “This is a concept I’m using my platform to elevate.” It really does clarify that it’s not the life you’re leading but that you also support it or see it as a bad thing.

PPM: I’m sorry for the way that may have hurt folks in the poly community. I won’t try to defend it because it’s just problematic, end of story and I really appreciate you taking the time to explain this for me and others, too. 

ED: It’s a little micro-aggression people do without realizing it- we all do them. Something will come out of my mouth and I realize that I said something problematic. I tend to lead my life in a non-hierarchical fashion so I do find that I come out with things that are anti-hierarchy, and I’m not trying to bring any harm to people who are choosing that, but I would like to expose why it can be problematic. Every single thing we choose in a lifetime has the ability to be problematic, even my non-hierarchical way- people have used that to not commit and treat their partners as disposable. There are components that we need to be aware of all the way around.

PPM: Building on this, how would you prefer that people do talk about it. Once it’s out there, and quotable, people can circle back and hopefully learn how to be more compassionate.

ED: I think that talking to people who are polyamorous and talking about how it’s a positive thing in their lives is important. When I explain my polyamory to people the first thing they say to me is, “Oh I could never do it.” My response back is always, “Nobody is asking you to.” Checking that idea of always having to come to your own defense because it’s coming from a place of being threatened that you’re being told monogamy is wrong. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of people in non-monogamous relationships that come down on monogamy and we often call them the elitists, who say that polyamory is more “evolved” which isn’t the case at all.

I couldn’t imagine the type of challenges that I would face in monogamy. I’ve been monogamous and I know that type of faith, commitment to really work out whatever comes your way with another human being while knowing that you’re going to change, knowing that you’re going to face these challenges takes tremendous effort and dedication. I don’t think monogamy is the easy way out by any means. It certainly can be if you’re doing it by default and on automatic.

It’s like driving a car that’s automatic or stick shift. I prefer to be changing the gears, whether in conscious monogamy or conscious non-monogamy. I have plenty of monogamous friends in my life who have examined their options and still landed in monogamy because it’s what’s worked for them. I can respect them because they looked at options.

PPM: Looking at those options can be such an awakening because a lot of folks just never consider it, not because they’re discriminatory but because it’s never been on their radar whatsoever. I hope that with this interview, more people talk about it and think critically about their judgements. Thank you so much for talking with us and for advocating so powerfully.

ED: Thank you as well.

The post Discussing Consensual Non-Monogamy and Polyamory with Eva Dusome (Part 2) appeared first on PinkPlayMags.

I was at a backyard barbecue once, speaking with someone about the purpose of who benefited most from monogamy. (further proof that I also have no idea how to do small talk). We were talking about books I recently read, More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, in which these and more complex questions were addressed. This wasn’t a debate as such, but I was more in awe of the fact that it was the first time I was having a discussion about it, rather than trying to defend the rights of others to practice it.

I came to realize that my own fears of being hurt left me unable to consider what healthy consensual non-monogamy might mean for others and my own relationships if I were to put it into practice. I realized that I hadn’t considered monogamy as being damaging and oppressive for some folks, and that I could be complicit in that system if I didn’t give it serious thought. It surprised me, because I tried taking an anti-oppressive approach everywhere else in my life.

I had a friend tell me over dinner one night, “Lots of folks don’t even realize that they’re not actually consenting to monogamy, because they haven’t thought about what it means or whether people are really saying yes to it. They just default to it and don’t consider anything else.” 

His words had me researching more about how compulsory monogamy was used in the past as part of oppressive systems, suppressing the needs and rights of entire groups of people. It made me question whether or not I was truly monogamous. How could I know if I didn’t want consensual non-monogamy if I hadn’t once considered it? It was an area which, unlike other parts of my life, I hadn’t been intentional in asking: What do I want this to be used for, and what is its purpose in my life?

What did it mean for example, that centuries ago, “traditional” relationship styles that were betrothed for the purposes of family and financial gain, were rarely monogamous in practice? Who did that benefit the most and especially in our LGBTQ2+ community, how did that system work against those who weren’t straight, but had to live closeted in a straight world with monogamous expectations?

What monogamy amounted to was a set of societal expectations that were, in many ways, imposed on our community and others. Indigenous tribes like the Comanche people, practiced non-monogamy and because it was part of their identity, imposing compulsory monogamy was a means of assimilation that contributed to their cultural genocide. 

There are also economic advantages to following the “status quo” in your relationship style. For example, there are retreats, experiences, therapies, resources and economic advantages given to monogamous couples that aren’t even given to single folks, let alone those with multiple partners. Monogamous couples inherit a sense of community that contributes to wellness, wholeness and the formula that allows a person to truly thrive, which poly-couples are no less entitled to experience, but who may not have the same access to outside of poly-specific groups.

People can sometimes use monogamy to act out their unhealed parts wrapped up in trust issues, sinking into the safety of letting ego take the wheel. There are others whose insecurities rob them of the self-esteem required to truly see all of our partner. Why do we want someone to be monogamous with us? Is it because we cherish them and see relationship as a sacred space that we want to experience with one person, or is it because we feel that they “belong” to us?

Do we choose monogamy as a way to free ourselves and our partners, or do we use it as a way to obligate our partners to meet our needs? Monogamy can be an unhealthy form of control, wherein we unfairly expect that our partners will never be attracted to another person again, and will exist in our world for the sole purpose of meeting our needs, which is often born from insecurity. It’s easy to forget that our attraction to partners in a long term relationship will exist on a spectrum, and that being attracted to others over time is normal. Simply feeling attraction and choosing what to do with it is less about our relationship style, and more  about the values that are important to us. 

Monogamy can also be an excuse to not communicate about these issues as well, because we make the assumption that we are automatically on the same page, so we don’t create safe spaces to talk about what’s important to us about monogamy in relationships. 

There are great things about monogamy for those who choose it, but it’s important to remember that there are a variety of reasons for choosing it and equal numbers of reasons for choosing consensual non-monogamy. It’s no less valid a choice than monogamous folks, and it may be a result of previous experiences with alternatives or the very real fact that they’re just “wired” differently. 

It’s not just poly-folks who benefit from us asking questions about what our monogamy means and who it’s meant for, because if we haven’t considered how we use it, we can’t guarantee we’re not using it to hurt those we intend to love and cherish. Once we look at what monogamy means to us, or doesn’t, only then can we be truly be open to listening to the experiences of others and how they express themselves in relationships with true compassion.

Stay tuned for more posts in my From The Heart column, where I’ll be doing interviews and sharing more about the poly-community in greater depth throughout the coming weeks!

The post Reconsidering The Purpose of Monogamy appeared first on PinkPlayMags.

Maybe it’s The bizarre weather that has suddenly yielded to sunshine? Maybe it’s the fact that the barometric pressure has stabilized (no more headaches.) Maybe it was our recent trip to the Butterfly Conservatory in Niagara Falls? Whichever one you pick I have been fantasizing about flowers.

For the last five years my son and I have been living in a semi detached house next to a vacant building that has been empty for 12 years. It has hosted a lot of the wildlife i.e. squirrels, mice, raccoons and yes even a family of skunks! This has made me hesitant about attracting more wildlife even though we very much enjoy our bird feeder, which really is a squirrel feeder. However the universe has conspired with us. The house was sold to a builder who is gutting it and I have been enjoying the cornucopia of bizarre demolition sounds for the last couple of weeks.

Now the animals are going to be moved out of the premises I am thinking about filling a desire to build a bird, humming bird, bee and butterfly friendly garden and attract these little pollinators with “hot-coloured blooms.” In particular I want to collect more Lavender and Marigolds. With the hungry birds of Toronto as well as the butterflies and bees under threat of habitat and food loss, I figured it is a great thing to do with my little Earth Ranger. I also really love how he is fulfilling his self professed title Animal Saver! We recently completed The Battery Blitz Mission (see my last post) and we are all fired up and energized to go. Here are the basics for building insect paradise.

1. Pick flowers native to your area such as the Black Eyed Susan or Coneflower. They will be survivors!

2. Fill your garden with perennials and annuals that are easy to care for and nectar rich, like the Ninebark. Really bright colours are magnets for butterflies, hummingbirds and bees.

3. Pick flowers that bloom in different seasons to guarantee consistent supply of food. Black Eyed Susan will feed goldfinches through the fall and they will also help control the population of the damaging insects!

4. Plant near the hedges or fences in your yard to block wind so butterflies and birds have a peaceful place to eat.

5. Put up a pretty bird feeder amongst trees and bushes of various heights to help them feel sheltered. Put in a birdbath at eye-catching height in a shady spot to help the water stay cool.

6. Consider your local wildlife population like the monarch butterflies are in dire need of milkweed. You can order Milkweed through the David Suzuki foundation that will arrive in May. You can even order Butterfly Kits at Amazon.ca!

7. For those jewel coloured  hummingbirds read up on brightly coloured tube shaped plants they like. Got a kid nearby? Hear the cool sound of the ruby-throated hummingbird here! 

8. Don’t forget the bees. Suzuki also tells us “bees have good colour vision! They like blue, purple, violet, white and yellow. Plant flowers of single species in clumps, four feet in diameter instead of scatterings so bees are more likely to find them.” Primrose, lavender or asters feed them over the seasons. See his site for a list of instructions of planting for bees. With how important these little pollinators are to the planet  click here to learn how to make a bee house!

9. He also suggests creating shallow bee baths low to the ground as bees often meet their end in conventional birdbaths and they need water too! In return they will take care of your fruits and vegetables, our friends at the University of Guelph are using bees to reduce strawberry rot!

10. And try as you might accept that you will also be feeding the squirrels who will eat like pigs at your feeder but such is the price of a well stocked garden for wildlife. (I try not to have a bias but those little buggers infiltrated my attic).

11. And to get your kids in the mood try a little story time research i.e. The Magic School Bus Inside a Beehive is always good for that!

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They often leave you scratching your head wondering what just happened.

I still have my moments with people like this, but adding a little more awareness to experiences with them has me understanding that they really are soulmates. The idea of soulmates tends to bring romantic and passionate connotations with it, but I believe that they are those who help us to reach a higher place and greater potential because their purpose in our lives is to help us grow and evolve into our best versions. This is especially true of people who teach us without trying if we’re able to look for the lesson.

What if what irritates you the most about another are the qualities you most dislike and are worried exist in you/do exist in you, but that you push away from yourself by criticizing them in others.

It is the hardest thing to wrap your head around when it’s a trait you really don’t want to admit that you embodied that behavior once before in your life. It’s doubly challenging when you’re on the defense in some area of your life related to a certain person or trait.

I’ve learned that the more prickly I am about some aspect in others, the more I have to look at whether it’s really just that I’m projecting onto them, the trait that I really dislike about myself because as long as it doesn’t belong to me, I don’t have to “wake up” to it. It means I never have to feel guilty, blamed, not enough, shamed and any other number of beliefs we usually have lurking somewhere beneath the surface, guiding our lives.

How do we tell whether or not we’re projecting?

The clues are generally in our emotional charge about a given situation or person. Neutrality in the face of people who are difficult often indicates that you’re not caught up in that emotional charge and can see much clearer. You’ve unplugged from the part of you that needed at one time to react to whatever trait you’re seeing.

Don’t ask how they bother you but how you are most like them. It’s certainly not something you need to announce to the other person that you’re doing but being softer about their behavior allows you to more clearly see what’s actually happening, so you can do what’s required with the situation. It helps you stay in a place of greater clarity and in a better position to advocate for your needs and your boundaries.

When in practice, looking to others as your mirror and with compassion sounds a lot like giving them the benefit of the doubt:

“I’ve probably been like that at some point in my life.”

“I’ve been where they are now in that frustration and it never felt that great.”

“When I have a really bad day I know I’m not the most pleasant person to be around either.”

“I hope they’re okay.”

“It feels so much better to just give them the benefit of the doubt while sorting out what to do next.”

“Am I really going to let this ruin my day? Just because they’re having a bad day doesn’t mean I need to as well.”

“They’ve never been exposed to it so they’re going to be afraid of what it means and may feel threatened right now.”

“I’m already annoyed about something else and it probably didn’t help that situation.”

The idea is to unplug from the emotional charge so that you can focus on the next steps, whether that means walking away, putting up boundaries, expressing yourself clearly or getting back to your day. It gives you an easy way to access the peace you’re looking for instead of reacting to everything around you.

There are some limitations however, where in the face of abusive behavior or harmful actions this concept works differently, because if your personal safety is at risk, it’s important to recognize the behavior as unhealthy. Having been in those situations, I can say that it’s more important to get help for yourself than to identify with your abuser in every circumstance.

Practically speaking, it’s helped my activism and relationships, as I’ve found that getting past projections coming from a personally fired up place help me to focus on the real issues and get solutions faster. It means I’m less caught up in trying to prove something about my assumption of the other person based on the exchange we’re in the midst of and it allows me to stay grounded in the truth of both perspectives. It enables me to serve the higher purpose of what I’m trying to do, rather than serve the behavior of the person before me whose actions and opinion I disagree with so that if I’m hoping to educate others, I can connect with the part of them wanting to learn more. Most importantly, it keeps me centered in my own life and not reacting to everyone around me so that my life feels like a constant swirl of dramatic and draining interactions with others.

It can be tempting too, to say that we’re over it and stay steeped in the righteousness of taking the “high road” where for the sake of optics, we say we’re over it because the issue is “beneath us” but in the dark before bed we’re still cursing their name, going over the interaction before sleep which only binds us to an energy that keeps us stuck. It’s okay to spend time processing your emotions about it but remember that we too, have been the names that others have on their lips in frustration because we’ve been difficult.

Our issues with others tell us more about ourselves than they do about the person we have the issues with if we’re willing to listen. Soulmates help us evolve and grow into the best version of ourselves so we can live out the reason we’re here on this planet. It’s where love comes to life because if we give it enough space in ourselves, it helps to transform our negative experiences into something wonderful if we allow it and that frees up our energy for the truly wonderful to enter.

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Love, Light and Miracles,

Cheryl Costello

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